One of the things I've been pondering today is when a relationship breaks up because of cheating, what happens in the mind of the cheater? I mean, here you have all of these rituals and habitudes built up with one person - how do you just immediately move on to someone else? I've never been in that situation, so I'm curious as to what happens.
Before anyone gets on my case and tells me (yet again) to "move on", I'd like to say this is not something I'm dwelling on - it's something that crossed my mind as Kendra and I were in McDonald's earlier. As a side note, I'd just like to say that I'm really anti-McDonald's, but my throat was hurting and their 95 centime strawberry milkshake (and free toilet) was just too much for me to resist.
Anyways. Back to Macdo. Fab loves to eat at McDonalds, but knowing I'm against it, the only way he knew he could eat there was by offering to buy me a McFlurry, ie. the closest thing to a Blizzard a girl can find in France. It became our Sunday ritual - he would go buy a McFlurry and we would eat them on the couch while watching American TV. Of course, he always secretly got himself a Big Mac and ate in the car on the way home...but it was never really that secret because he always forgot to throw away the wrapper and I'm the one who always cleaned the car. Incidentally, it's also part of the reason I thought he'd never cheat on me - his attention to detail is just not the best, lol.
But back to me and Kendra. As we were waiting in line, the person in front of us ordered a McFlurry and it got me wondering if Fab had continued the Sunday McFlurry trend with Cattle. I can't imagine doing that, I haven't even thought about ordering one since - it was always our thing. But maybe it's different if you're the cheater? Which started me thinking about our other things - our Saturday nights watching "Lost" in the summer and then laughing about the creepy little "Bad Robot" at the end. Sunday nights with "Capital". And on and on. I mean, seven years is a long time to build up rituals. So I'm curious - what happens when you suddenly find yourself in a relationship with a new person, when you're fresh out of an old one? Is it weird? Do you form new rituals? Do you try to go on with the old ones? I guess these are all rhetorical questions - though I'm sure if I asked Fab the next time he called, he'd answer them for me. I do hope that I'm never in the place to answer this question personally, I'd like to think I have higher standards than that, but I guess you just never know.
Labels: Heartbreak hotel, Starting Over
posted by Ksam @ 11:54 PM
15 Comments:
i'd bet that all the rituals initiated by the non-cheater get axed. the ones the cheater really likes all for himself, he keeps. and then mostly new ones with the new person, to help blur away the residual guilt!
first of all, i think you are moving on quite well. so anybody telling you to move on when you have moments where you process needs to quiet down. other than that, i think your question is interesting - though i have no answers! looking forward to others' responses.
I agree with Jadie on this one. You'll keep doing the things you enjoyed doing and stop doing the things you did mostly for the other person.
However, I've went through a ton of boys, guys and men and I'm usually creative enough to find different things to do with the next one.
Humans are creatures of habit. Although, I don't imagine Fab doing the same exact things with her there *may* be some slight variations in certain activities you also did together? Stuff he liked and you kinda joined in.
Either way, it doesn't matter. You'll soon get to start new routines and rituals with someone fresh and new.
And I kind of snickered at "Cattle".It's even funnier since they're in Bretagne so it's basically true. And that's how an anglo would pronounce her stupid name anyways.
Despite whose in the couple the composition in any couple varies so much that it's necessary for the next relationship to change radically in terms of how time is spent. If I look back on my relationship before Christophe it was totally different, in a million different ways. There was never a need to repeat rituals because it wasn't the same and you wouldn't want to anyway..that urge kind of dies with the other person.
From what you say about Katell I think they will probably go to McDonalds together and enjoy being guilt free about the ethics of that. She doesn't sound like a gal who is worried about globalisation, consumerism or the environment, from what we can tell anyway.
Well, you know, it's not as though he dropped you on Tuesday and started seeing her in Wednesday.
Sam - First of all, getting over something like this is hard and painful, so give yourself a break. However, I don't want to sound bitchy, but... I know what he did sucks and I know you don't like it, but statements like 'I hope I'll have higher standards that' make it sound like you're judging and you really can't. And at this point, it's not what he did that matters anymore, it's your thoughts about what he did that hurt. Unless you're inside someone's crazy head (and all of us are a little) and living, first hand, their crazy life, you just can't know what they were thinking or why they did what they did. Some people make the transition towards breaking up outwardly - they slowly distance themselves, literally, from the relationship. And others make that whole transition in their head without every really changing anything on the outside until that one day when they say it's over. I'm like you, warnings, signs, these are things that help us understand when we look back and say oh right, that's when it started to unravel or whatever. But sometimes we aren't given any warning at all.
I've never cheated on anyone, but I've dated a cheater. Some rituals remain the same, but you might never know what they are until the relationship's over.
*lol* "Cattle* j'adore !!! So true ....
I am sure that she does not cook ... or that well. *meow* That would take to much time and effort, oui ?
Rituals ? Well, I've never been the cheater but I would have to say that the guilt will color any activity that Fabs will continue that he did with you. Cattle is blissfully ignorant to these !
Too complicated to think about. I can't fathom cheating. To break off one relationship, taking the time to be alone to recoup, then onto the next is more my style.
Come on girl ! You know that he misses you but cannot overcome his own shortcomings. His taste for the cheap ! I think that you should march into a McDo's and order a McFlurry ! Eat this wild wild abandon whilst looking at the splendor of the Eiffel Tower ! This will drive away any negative feelings or doubt about your love of the cold and sweet ! Come on ! Your in Paris ! Own this thang and enjoy !
*hugs*
I have to agree with Starman, they probably already had some rituals in place before he left you, I mean who knows how long he was really seeing her before he told you? Maybe she likes McD's, maybe that is why he chose her in the first place.
She probably makes it a point to adore everything you hated.
i forgot to giggle about Cattle, the BEST EVER revenge name.
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Jadie - I couldn't help thinking of the irony of it all, what with Fab being a cattle farmer and all. It may be petty, but it sure made me giggle! lol
And I didn't really get the reponses I was hoping for here - but I guess people who've cheated may not want to broadcast that all over the internet, huh?
Without the cheating part, I started a new relationship 6 months after a 25 year marriage ended, with someone who had been married even longer. We were very conscious of "did he/she do that with the ex"... its a long adjustment period... but some old habits persist (cant compromise on which side of the bed... I lost on that one!), then new ones get formed.
I think keeping one's sense of humour, as you are ("Cattle"... LOL!), is a great sign!
Your nickname for the person who displaced you is awesome.
Your questioning is wonderful too. It suggests healing.
They say that cheaters never prosper but hey, everything is relative. Life is a mystery. A big one.
Whenever I've had a serious heartache, I've always told myself that this happened for a reason... maybe it's because that Mr. Right is right around the corner and if I was in a relationship I would miss it... or make a decision that could lead to that Mr. Right.... Which is what happened to me. I broke up with a fellow because I wanted to move abroad for a year and I ended up meeting Mr. C and never moving back home...
One can never know really what's around the bend... we're all creatures of habit but we're also floating molecules that bounce off of each other in a chaotic manner (and if there is a pun in what I just said, I'm not sure if I meant it or not).
One day you'll bless Fab. Truly. Actually.... I think you do already... but still. Having been the one cheated on is difficult for the ego. Sigh.
What I really wanna know is this: Why does he keep calling you?
Dude.... I am so sorry. My brain is on mush mode and didn't spell check my comment. Boo me.
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