Fake it until you make it

Lastly, I also wanted to share a bit of advice for the women out there.  I'm sure you've all heard the statistic about women only applying for jobs if they feel like they meet 100% of the criteria, whereas men will apply even if they only meet 50-75% of the criteria.  So when I began this whole process, I made a very conscious decision to apply for jobs like a man.   I applied for anything and everything that fit my criteria, and then tailored my cover letter to why I thought I was the perfect person for the job.

In addition, given that most hiring decisions are decided in the first thirty seconds of meeting the candidate, and that your own non-verbal behaviors can also influence your self-confidence levels, I spent two minutes prior to each interview in a "high power pose", as described in this video (it's a bit long, but it's one of the most-viewed Ted Talks out there):

And you know it?  It worked!  I must have applied for over 50 different jobs over the months, and I bet I got interviews for at least 90% of them.  And not just one interview, but usually multiple interviews - the phone interview, hiring manager interview and at least one CEO/CFO/COO interview for each posting. Now that's a lot of interviews.  I'm telling you, I have done so many that I am an interviewing machine now - I could probably do one in my sleep lol.   But I very intentionally went in to each and every one telling myself I was the sh*t and they would be lucky to have me.  Of course I did a lot of research on each company beforehand, to understand the market, their competitors, strengths/weaknesses, etc so I went into the interviews informed and armed with pertinent questions, but I also went in there projecting confidence and strength. And possibly man-spreading from time to time. :D

Either way, this method was so successful that because I was not initially clear on what I wanted, I often ended up getting offers that didn't really fit me, and I found myself in the position of telling them that after learning more about the role/company values/etc, it just didn't seem like the right fit for what I was looking for, instead of the other way around. My lack of clarity on what I wanted certainly made me a pro at interviewing, but also ended up wasting a lot of my time and theirs.

However, as I kept telling them, this whole process wasn't about changing just to change - I really wanted to find the role where I could bring value to the company and they could bring value to me.  And I think that's where women often go wrong.  We forget that second part.  We undersell ourselves and we psych ourselves out.  We focus on how many other people out there could do the job better than us, rather than on the value and the unique skills that we would bring to the role. 

I'd be lying though if I didn't admit that I still struggled with internal freak-outs from time to time. Like "Holy crap, I'm sitting across from the CEO of XYZ Company, what am I doing here??"  But then it was about reframing it in my mind, and reminding myself that he asked me to be there.  He obviously thinks I'm worth his time, so why don't I?  (Good question).

And despite all of this "Girl Power" talk, it still hasn't prevented me from having niggling doubts about this new role as well.  "Wait, they created this position for me, can I *really* do it??  And they're going to pay me *how* much??   What if I don't succeed?  What if I end up disappointing them?!".   But my plan is still to walk in there on that first day with my head held high, acting as if of course I belong there...Fake it until you make it baby. (And no one needs to know I'll have done a two-minute power pose in the bathroom beforehand.)

Mid-life crisis, take 2

So after feeling like I would never find the right fit for me, and that I'd be stuck in my role forever, I decided to take it back to what I know works for me.  I sat down, reflected, and made a list of what I wanted for my future career (only positive things, no negative things). Here's what I came up with:

• Be able to continue to travel (ideally to the US or Asia monthly)
• Flexibility for remote work
• Earn at least my current salary or more
• Team I enjoy working with
• Product I believe in
• Be able to influence strategy/direction

I kept that post-it note by my desk and looked at it multiple times a day.  Every night before I went to bed or any time I had some down time (often while traveling), I would think about that list and imagine myself in a new role where I had all of that.  I imagined how I would feel, how happy and fulfilled I would be, how much more balance there would be in my life.  I also focused on daily gratitude and recognizing the good things I had in my life - from a positive interaction with a customer to the adorable notes C often leaves for me around the house.  If you don't know, these are all the steps for what some call positive manifestation or positive visualization or even the law of attraction.  It's a little bit hokey and new age-y, especially for someone as pragmatic as myself, but I've always figured it can't hurt to focus on what's positive in your life and to at least put what you want out into the universe.

Plus, it has gotten me amazing results each time I have tried it in the past.  For starters with C, who matched every single thing I had put on my list. Even today, I often wonder marvel I ended up with someone as kind and generous as him. Or our apartment - we both had long wish lists of things we wanted and assumed we'd have to compromise on some things since after all, this is Paris and people spend months or even years trying to find a place that is even half-way decent. But instead, we found our dream apartment on our very first visit, in the area we wanted, in our budget - which is how we ended up buying an apartment when we hadn't even really been looking .

But back to the job hunt. Ironically enough, or maybe not, a week or so after beginning to do the above steps daily, some top-notch job offers started rolling in. So much so that it got to the point where I soon had three extremely different but equally amazing jobs on the table.  And then I became paralyzed again by the choice.  I know, I know, poor me, right - three great job offers, boo hoo.  But which one to choose?  Could I really sauter le pas? Which one would leave me truly happy?  I waffled for a long time, I went back and forth, I made pro and con lists for each one but just could not pull the trigger.

Finally, a little over a week ago, I had an epiphany.  I was being held up by self-judgement.  Two of the offers were in the tech industry, working for French start-ups with amazing products, and the third one was in my current industry.  I was internally leaning towards staying in my industry, but couldn't admit that to myself because the other two were such incredible opportunities that would advance my career much quicker than the third option.

As someone who has always pushed herself to go higher/further, it was extremely difficult for me to admit to myself that I wanted the 'easier' option.  Half of me wanted the challenge and the passion of working for a start-up, but the other half of me knew how all-consuming it would be and that I just needed a break.  But that didn't stop me from feeling disappointed in myself for feeling that way.  Nor worrying about getting pigeon-holed for the rest of my career in my current industry.  So I waffled a bit more, but finally got some excellent advice from some wise girlfriends, and then pulled the trigger this week.

So it's official. Next Thursday will be my last day at The Company, I'll head straight after to my (soon to be former) colleague's wedding in the south of France, and then the following week I'll be gainfully employed by a British company in my same industry.  I had been planning on taking some time off in between, but some important industry events put the kibosh on that.   However, I'm happy to say that my new role will have me still working remotely (check), and I'll be traveling to the US nearly every month (check).  I've gotten a pretty decent salary bump (check), and I already know (and like) many of the people who will be on my team (check), and I'll have a lot of freedom to choose my projects (check).  Hopefully the grass will indeed be greener...

It's been an emotional past few days explaining my decision to my colleagues and my clients, and I have been so touched by the extremely kind and generous things they've had to say about me and my work.  The fact that they all seem so confident about my probability for success in my future role has been a huge moral booster to me, and it's been really gratifying to know that they have appreciated the efforts I have made over the years and enjoyed their interactions with me. I wish it didn't take my deciding to leave for them to say it - but I guess it's like a funeral in that way - you don't often realize the impact someone has until they're gone.

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

For the past nine months, outside of work, my life has pretty much been consumed by looking for a job, researching for a job, interviewing for a job and/or considering a job.  It's been a wild and crazy ride - how to decide what I want for my career when I basically fell into the one I currently had?  I'm sure a lot of you out there are wondering why I would leave my job in the first place - after all, I get to choose my own projects, travel the world, meet all kinds of people, have free flights home multiple times a year...it all sounds great on paper, and to be honest, it's probably why I've hung around so long.  Most of the time, I kept thinking - how could I find anything better than that?

But The Company restructured about a year and a half ago, and the changes have left me increasingly unhappy. I've tried to make peace with it for the reasons above, but the inefficiencies of the new system and strategy changes have at times come into conflict with my personal values and it's left me stressed out and exhausted.  Thoughts of work consumed my brain morning and night - and I mean literally.  Most nights, I would wake up thinking about a work issue, get irate about it and then be up for half of the night. Add on the early morning calls from our Asia team and the fact that my US colleagues were in the office until midnight French time meant that I was pretty much thinking only about work 24/7.  As my dear husband very gently pointed out to me one evening, that wasn't a healthy place for me to be in - neither mentally nor physically.

Thus began the very long process of trying to extract myself from something that had been such a massive part of my life for so long.  I could barely even imagine myself without The Company.  After all, they were the ones who gave me the opportunity of having a quote-unquote *real* career in France.  And as a customer said to me this morning - "But what will we do without you? How can you leave? You eat, sleep and breath The Company".  So it was often a two steps forward, one step back process - thinking about leaving my colleagues, my clients....people I've known for over a decade....the excellent travel opportunities.  Well, it all led to a few long months of deep soul searching.

After all, while technically a 'grown-up', post-US life, I'd never actually had to think about what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do.  Most of you out there know my one-week job contract with The Company somehow turned into a 12 year career with big promotions every two or three years.  However, a few of the early job interviews I had last fall left me resoundingly decided not to join Corporate America (or France in this case), but then what?  What to do?  I'd never have seen myself doing the job I'm doing today, but it turned into a global adventure.  So I decided to not close off any doors and apply for whichever jobs appealed to me - but then became almost paralyzed by the idea of having so much choice.  I had interview after interview, but couldn't choose.  And when I finally did, it was only to be frustrated and semi-depressed by how low most salaries are in France....

Happy New Year

Bonne année et meilleurs voeux to all my lovely blog readers.  2012 was a good year for the Ksam household and I have high hopes for 2013 as well!  We rung in the New Year chez nous with good company and an abundance of cheesy raclette goodness.  The only thing marring the night was a surprise text message from Fab's wife, sent from his phone, telling me to "occupe-toi de ton cul et laisse-nous tranquil salope".  It's a nasty little message full of spelling mistakes, saying "Take care of your own ass and leave us alone b*tch". 

Classy, huh?

I tweeted her text because it was bothering me yet it didn't really seem like an appropriate dinner topic, and my twitter friends were just as mystified as myself.  And it's still throwing me for a loop even a few days later.  I guess it just brings back some bad memories of the crazy MIL, who was constantly doing evil things behind my FIL's back.

But mainly, I just don't get it.  We have never had any kind of contact before, so why randomly text me on NYE?  The whole break-up occurred coming up on five years ago now, and it's not like Fab and I are in contact on a regular basis.  He sent me a text after the US elections saying "Looks like Once you go black, you never go back" and I wrote back saying I was glad to see he hadn't lost his sense of humor, but that was it.  So how does that merit an insulting SMS almost two months later?

I didn't reply to her, but I am somewhat tempted to email Fab and say "Do you realize your wife is a crazy biyatch?"  But I haven't yet, because 1) He probably does realize that (and it serves him right) and 2) If she's reading his texts, she is probably reading his emails too, so it wouldn't serve any purpose.

All of this has made me even more grateful that I am in Paris in a loving and drama-free relationship, and no longer isolated and lonely in Bretagne.  Another confirmation for me that everything happens for a reason, and I am definitely looking forward to the fun and new opportunities that 2013 will bring.

I don't know why I didn't realize it before, but for the first time, I have no where to go for Easter and no one to spend it with. Up until now, I've always had either my family or Fab's family to spend it with. And Easter, along with Christmas, are the two holidays of the year where it's important for me to be around family. So I was feeling kind of bummed picturing my family gathered at my Grandma's house. Eating the piles of peeps she always buys. And then Fab's family all at the farm around the dining room table. The kids looking for Easter eggs in the garden. The MIL giving out her traditional Easter baskets filled with lottery tickets. They were my family too for seven years and I still miss them (okay, so maybe I don't miss the crazy MIL).

It's my fault though - I've been traveling so much I didn't even realize Easter was this weekend until a client mentioned it after I said I'd call him on Monday. If I had, I would've tried to make plans to go somewhere, so I wouldn't end up spending the day alone. But I didn't realize it until it was too late, and so there I was- practically the only person left in Paris. I found myself at the gym, watching Desperate Housewives while working out on an elliptical trainer. It was one of the episodes where Bree was at AA, and they read this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the diference.

Even though it's the AA poem, these lines have always spoken to me, and I found a lot of comfort in them after my dad died and after Fab and I broke up. I've always believed that there's no use wallowing in the past when it can't be changed, but lately I haven't been following my own mantra. My trip back to Bretagne stirred up a lot of memories, both good and bad, and ever since I've been sort of floundering. Feeling aimless. But hearing that poem again, combined with the advice of a dear friend, was the wake-up call I needed. Time to listen to Lorie and get back to ze positive attitude!

And so I decided to make plans for the weekend. Including going to the Easter service at Notre Dame today. Now, I'm not a huge church-y person, but it is Easter and I know my family will be happy I attended a church service, even if it was a Catholic one. Plus, it's beautiful day and I live within walking distance of the church - how many people can say that? It's yet another reminder that I really have nothing to complain about.

It's time to get back to feeling positive again!

I absolutely love taking the bus home from Montparnasse because of 1) it's just a short, direct ride back home and 2) because of the view I get the minute I set foot out of the gare:Could I have a better view to welcome me back to Paris??

Last week was sort of a turbulent week for me - the only way I can think to describe is this: Remember when you went off to college your freshman year and had all this new-found freedom and independance? And life was good and you made tons of friends and learnt a lot. But how at the end of the year, when you moved back home for the summer, it all changed. You felt sulky and cranky and like you'd reverted back to your pre-college self. I mean, you'd done and seen all this stuff! You'd GROWN! And here your parents are treating you like you're the same old person.

That's what staying in V-town was like for me. The first few days were fine, but as the week went on, I felt myself reverting back to samdebretagne. Feeling bitter and negative about being in Bretagne. Angry that I had to stay in a hotel just down the road from what had been my home for so many years. Sad about the family life I was missing out on - Fab's dad's big birthday party last Tuesday, the grandkids starting to walk & talk, the nice ex-SIL's pregnancy. Confusion about how all of that disappeared in a heartbeat. Restless because everything was still so familiar but no longer mine.

But I made it through the week and as I got on the train back to Paris, I felt better with each kilometer that passed. Being in Bretagne has always equaled the feeling of having a weight on my shoulders. And the closer I got to Paris, the lighter that weight felt. By the time I walked out of the gare, I was feeling a million times better. And as I walked home from rhumrhums last night, I was overfilled with joy. I felt like jumping and doing a little leprachaun kick.

This city is so beautiful, so powerful, and its beauty never fails to remind me that everything happens for reason.

I walked over to Montparnasse this afternoon to see "Marley and Me", and on the way, I listened to "This American Life". The topic "Plan B", once again struck a chord with me. At the beginning of the episode, he asks people to think about what they thought their adult life would be like and how it compared to where they were actually at today.

I pressed pause for a bit and thought about that for a few minutes. If someone had told me ten years ago I'd be living in Paris (or even in France), I would've laughed my head off at them. I didn't speak French, had never been to the country and had no desire to live there. Finland maybe, but France? NO WAY. Yet here I am. Living in the heart of Paris.

So what was my Plan A? Up until I decided to move to France with Fab, I was a career girl. Working three different jobs, probably 60-70 hours a week. Before any Frenchies out there gasp in horror, let me clarify - I was working each of those jobs by choice. I wasn't doing it because I had to, but because I loved all three of them. I was doing whole-grains research for General Mills, which appealed to my orderly, scientific side. I was developing recipes for Land O'Lakes, which appealed to my creative side. And I was still working as a manager at my college job, at the University student center, which appealed to my social side. I was very lucky - I loved getting up and going to work every day, and a lot of people can't always say that.

But then I decided to give France a try for a year - I figured "Hey, I'm young, even if it doesn't work out with Fab, I'll have at least traveled some and (hopefully) learned a new language". But somehow, I never left and it became my Plan B. I tried my best to make a life for myself in Bretagne, to find a way to deal with the eventuality of spending the rest of my life in the countryside. And that's where I thought I'd spend the rest of my (semi-miserable) days.

As we all now know, it just wasn't meant to be. Thank God for that.

So here I am, on Plan C. Living in Paris. Alone for the first time in my life. With a very strange yet cool job that I also love, and no plans to go back to the US in the immediate future (at least not if I can help it). But is this the final plan? Somehow I doubt it. I'm young still - and most of the people interviewed on the show were on Plan D, E, F or G. And I guess I'm okay with that. Right now, for probably the first time in my life, I'm not trying to plan. Just taking things as they come. And why not? Things on the whole are good right now. I like my life, so besides trying to save to eventually buy an apartment, I'm not actively working to change it.

But I'm curious - where would you all be today if you'd stuck with Plan A? Or even plan B?

Sorry peeps, but I've got nothing. My life is one big, boring mess right now. What's that you say? You want some proof? Okay, fine - the highlight of the past few days has been my ancient kiné (physical therapist) telling me to feel up her butt cheeks, so I could see just exactly how clenched they were.

Sadly, that is the most action I've seen in months...


UPDATE: I was just reminded by a friend that I also went on a date this week. Though the fact that I didn't even remember I'd gone on a date should tell you just how memorable it was....

I had to laugh yesterday when we drove by a tiny lieu-dit called "Ça me suffit", or "It's enough for me". So there's at least one French person out there who's content with what they have. Ha!

(Scratch that - I just Googled it and there are three "ça me suffit's" in France, so I take it back - there are three content Frenchies somewhere out there. lol)

Also, it's kinda bugging me that some of you out there think I'm a "glass half empty" kind of girl. Here I thought I'd been doing pretty good at seeing the positive in everything that's happened. That's the problem with blog posts - half the people are going to read them the wrong way. I just thought the saying was funny because it seemed so French - to always be complaining about everything and not realizing how good they actually have things until its gone. Kind of goes along with how the France is considered to be one of the best countries to live in in the world, yet its people are also the unhappiest....

Friends by circumstance?

This is a post I've started and then stopped for almost a month now, unable to find the words to fully express what I wanted to say. And it's definitely something I've often considered over the years, having gone through cycle after cycle of assistant friends in Bretagne. While I enjoyed meeting *most* of the people I've met during my five years there, there was only a small handful of people that I think I would've been friends with back home in MN. And then last night, I was thinking about my wonderful Parisian friends - there are so many that would never have traveled in the same circle as me back "home", that I never would have met had I stayed in Minnesota, yet I'm so lucky to have them.

But I've met people who've tended to discount these "friends by circumstance" friendships, as if they hold less weight than their so-called "real" friendships from back home. I acknowledge that it's true that people, when thrown into unfamiliar situations, normally tend navigate towards the familiar - hence all the expat blogs, groups, meet-ups, etc. It happens all over the world, no matter which language you speak or what country you live in. But does that mean these friendships are any less important? Or that these people are any less your friend? Not in my opinion. My new friends come from all walks of life, from several different countries, from very different backgrounds than my own, and I love them for it. I'm still not being as clear as I wanted to be, but all I know is that I'm a long way from cookie-cutter Scandinavian-filled Minnesota of my youth, but my life is so much richer because of it.

Today marks four months that I've been in Paris. It's also Fab's 30th birthday. That makes me laugh because he's been freaking out about turning 30 for about two years now, so I'm picturing him waking up and feeling all depressed.

And in just a few days, it will be six months since we broke up. Which is crazy because sometimes it feels like ages ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday. At my lowest point, a friend told me that once I hit the six month mark, things would start to get better. I remember thinking at the time "My God, six months of feeling like this?? No thank you!" And I am so relieved that was not the case.

In other news, I have been enjoying the fabulous weather we've been having lately. The leaves are starting to turn and they make a lovely contrast with the bright blue sky. There's a high of 70°F today - it hasn't been that warm in ages! It has the makings for a perfect Sunday afternoon - walking around with a friend, and then meeting up with the girls for champagne & macarons at the Ladurée bar. Happy four months in Paris to me!

Home again, home again, jiggity jig jig

Is there anything better than waking up, throwing back the curtains and seeing this? Notice the blue sky and the lack of rain! You're not in Bretagne anymore ksam.
I got in late last night, and man, was it nice to sleep in my "own" bed. Btw, to update you guys, the mom is letting me stay here until the 24th (yay) in exchange for watching the childrens (boo).

It is so nice to be back in Paris. It's like a completely different planet. My trip to Bretagne is already starting to feel miles away. For those of you that don't know, over the past year, I've slowly been transitioning from my role of interpreter to being an actual full-time technician for The Company. It's very challenging, especially since I don't have an engineering background, but I seem to have a knack for it. So this time around, I visited 7 clients on my own, and I'm extremely happy with how it went. I really feel like I can offer them much better service than they've received in the past, and I think they're excited about it as well (well, as excited as a French person can be, lol).

As I was leaving Bretagne Thursday evening, I drove through a huge storm - I started thinking "Oh man, it's getting dark and I've got another couple hours to drive in this", when all of the sudden, I noticed this huge, absolutely beautiful, double rainbow in front of me. Arcing right over the "Welcome to the Pays de la Loire" sign. I swear I almost started crying - there was so much significance in that big, churning storm behind me (ie the past & leaving Bretagne) and the beautiful rainbow I was driving towards (ie the future).

Unfortunately I haven't yet figured out how to work my new phone yet - plus I was driving in torrential rain - so the pic doesn't even come close to capturing its full glory. But I'm telling ya, it was massive and covered the entire sky. And then yesterday, just a few minutes before arriving at the train station, the exact same thing happened. Another huge storm, followed by a massive, arcing rainbow in front of me. I haven't seen a rainbow in years, and here I see two in less than 24hrs. It's so cheesy, but I really can't help thinking it's like a sign that the worst is behind me and better things are up ahead.I don't know about you, but I'm crossing my fingers.

As September 1 approaches, we are hearing more and more about "la rentrée". Literally, it means "the come back", but it's so much more than that. It's got its own identity. Its own (huge) cultural significance. It means the end of summer, the return to the city, the start of the school-year. It's a milestone, a way to say, hey, I made it through 3/4th of the year. I guess the closest American equivalent would be Labor Day, but even that doesn't carry the same kind of weight that la rentrée does.

This whole rentrée here in Paris seems so backwards to me. In Bretagne, I couldn't wait for la rentrée to come around - it meant that the thousands of tourists who had descended on the city for the summer would finally go home. It meant no more traffic jams, no more slow drives to the beach and no more hearing snooty Brits at every turn. It meant the return to normal life.

Here in Paris, it's the exact opposite - the rentrée means the city is starting to fill up again, and traffic jams and crowded metros will once again become de rigeur. Though to be honest, I don't drive and with the exception of some of the local shops being closed, I really didn't notice much a difference since I live in the heart of Paris. Others who live farther out though have mentioned their neighborhoods are like ghost towns. Put 2 and 2 together, and I guess who know who was causing traffic jams in V-town now, don't we? I'm telling you, seeing ''75'' license plates caused just as much fear on the road as British ones!

But I guess this rentrée is a special one for me - it's my first in Paris. It marks the end of what was essentially a three month vacation, as well as the start of my new (single) adult life, my new home and my new work contract. Hopefully it will be a good year!

Those of you who know about my previous life in Bretagne will hopefully find this post as funny as I did!

Okay, so apparently the book idea doesn't interest anyone. Scratch that, lol!! Oh well, I'm not sure I'd ever be motivated enough to fully go through with it. There are so many other interesting things to do in this city right now. Speaking of which, it's funny, because I thought I'd be bored these past two weeks with K&K out of the country, but while I've definitely missed them, it's given me a chance to branch out and meet/hang out with other bloggers a bit more. I saw Jasmin again, met Olivier from O Château, had a picnic with Heather and Michelle, went to the Grace Kelly exhibit with Eileen, did some star gazing with Seb & Kathryn, met up with Laura while she was in Paris, spent a Sunday afternoon with Princesse Ecossaise and did a movie/drinks with Sarah and Emily. I will also hopefully be meeting up with Justin and his friend Thursday night. Am I forgetting anyone else? Either way, it's been a fun two weeks and I enjoyed meeting all of you!

Yet another night out on the town

Since I've been in Paris, I've been reading a blog called Secrets of Paris. She's got lots of good tips on there - it's how I knew that Les Invalides was free on Bastille day and how I saw what really happened at the Fireman's Ball just down the street.

Besides her blog, Heather also wrote a book called "Naughty Paris - a lady's guide to the sexy city". She has a blog for the book too, which you can read here. Funnily enough, she also mentions Olivier from O Château in one of her posts. That guy must get around. In his flip flops.

Anyways, Heather's book is coming out in September and she did a pre-book party last night at the Curio Parlor. You know, one of those bars that is so cool that it doesn't have a name or an address on the outside, you just have to know it's there. Thank God people have to smoke outside now, or I never would've found it. I went in and was immediately extremely glad I'd made the effort to put on a dress and heels. Everyone was really friendly though, and there was a good mix of French & Americans. Things started to wind down around 1:30am, so I walked everyone back to the metro. After exchanging numbers, I started walking home again.

After a few meters, I stopped, took of my heels and my jewelry and put on some comfy shoes and a sweater. It's so funny how something as simple as shoes & jewelry can change what kind of men one attracts. I went from business men in suits to men in their 40's. Two different men asked if they could accompany me for a ways and another one told me I looked serene. Which is odd because he's the second man in two days to tell me I looked serene and serene is one of the last words I would use to describe myself. Maybe that's just the new pick-up line??

After helping a couple cute Frenchies find the right metro and stopping to chat quick with the local épicier, I finally made it home again safe and sound. I'm really going to miss living here - it's so nice not being tied to the metro and having the option of walking home at night. I love Paris at night, all lit up and magical. And I totally see what people mean about preferring the right or left bank - I rarely go over to "the other side". (insert ominous music here). Though considering how my housing search is going (ie. not well), I may not have the choice!

One of the things I've been pondering today is when a relationship breaks up because of cheating, what happens in the mind of the cheater? I mean, here you have all of these rituals and habitudes built up with one person - how do you just immediately move on to someone else? I've never been in that situation, so I'm curious as to what happens.

Before anyone gets on my case and tells me (yet again) to "move on", I'd like to say this is not something I'm dwelling on - it's something that crossed my mind as Kendra and I were in McDonald's earlier. As a side note, I'd just like to say that I'm really anti-McDonald's, but my throat was hurting and their 95 centime strawberry milkshake (and free toilet) was just too much for me to resist.

Anyways. Back to Macdo. Fab loves to eat at McDonalds, but knowing I'm against it, the only way he knew he could eat there was by offering to buy me a McFlurry, ie. the closest thing to a Blizzard a girl can find in France. It became our Sunday ritual - he would go buy a McFlurry and we would eat them on the couch while watching American TV. Of course, he always secretly got himself a Big Mac and ate in the car on the way home...but it was never really that secret because he always forgot to throw away the wrapper and I'm the one who always cleaned the car. Incidentally, it's also part of the reason I thought he'd never cheat on me - his attention to detail is just not the best, lol.

But back to me and Kendra. As we were waiting in line, the person in front of us ordered a McFlurry and it got me wondering if Fab had continued the Sunday McFlurry trend with Cattle. I can't imagine doing that, I haven't even thought about ordering one since - it was always our thing. But maybe it's different if you're the cheater? Which started me thinking about our other things - our Saturday nights watching "Lost" in the summer and then laughing about the creepy little "Bad Robot" at the end. Sunday nights with "Capital". And on and on. I mean, seven years is a long time to build up rituals. So I'm curious - what happens when you suddenly find yourself in a relationship with a new person, when you're fresh out of an old one? Is it weird? Do you form new rituals? Do you try to go on with the old ones? I guess these are all rhetorical questions - though I'm sure if I asked Fab the next time he called, he'd answer them for me. I do hope that I'm never in the place to answer this question personally, I'd like to think I have higher standards than that, but I guess you just never know.

Enough of my whinging about being sick. Instead I'll write about something that I've been thinking about since the last time I landed at the Charles de Gaulle Airport, but have been having trouble putting down on paper.

I was looking out the window at the fields and thinking about how they were such a good metaphor for life in France. All topsy-turvy with no rhyme or rhythm:Everything about it goes against where I grew up with in Minnesota - straight lines, tidy parcels, order, reason. It's funny how something as simple as the layout of the land can represent so much about a country.

La belle bleue

Man, every time I thought about blogging today, I just felt overwhelmed - there's just too much to share! I had an absolutely fabulous weekend. Lots of touristy stuff, lots of friends, lots of fun. And probably a bit too much wine. Okay, definitely a bit too much wine.

The only bummer was missing gay karaoke Saturday night because *someone* said they were only saying for an hour, LOL. Note to self: "An hour" is never just an hour. We also missed out on the Firemens' Ball Saturday night. We waited in line for what felt like forever, the whole time behind a group of four Frenchmen - one of whom was a MAJOR jerk. He was so frickin' rude to us the whole time we were there - I was really glad my cousins couldn't understand what he was saying. I mean, it was already bad enough that he was pretty much living up the stereotype of your typical rude Frenchman. We ended up having to leave the line to walk my cousins back to get the last metro - and the jerk actually clapped when we left. I couldn't not believe it. I may not have helped things along though when I mentioned that his big mouth was just compensating for his small size, and that I could see why the girlfriend he was supposedly waiting for never showed up. Yeah.

We tried to go to back later on in the night, but they'd closed the doors early. Apparently that particular firehouse holds one of the most popular balls because they always get the best Parisians DJs to come play there. Maybe we should've gone for the one with the firemen striptease instead! Anyway, we started talking to some other people who were also refused entry, and we ended up sharing a taxi to the tiniest ''night club'' on the face of the Earth. Thank God Yuri was there to help me fight off the slimey men there. We finished the night in style by singing along to crappy American music and dancing on the bar. Très classy, comme d'hab. When the bar closed, I was quite surprised to discover it was light outside. For whatever reason, I thought it was like 2:30, but it was really 5:30am. So much for our plans to get up early and do more touristy stuff Monday.

When we finally rolled out of bed, we made our way out to Les Invalides for the K&K Bastille Day Picnic. Invalides had free entry for the holiday, so we popped over there quick to take a look at the museum and the Napoleon tombs - very cool. And then we went back to the picnic and settled in for the afternoon. I had a ton of fun - most of my fav bloggers were there, and I finally got to meet the elusive Rhino75. Even my friend Charlie from V-town stopped by. Our view for the fireworks wasn't the best because of the trees, but it was still pas mal:


My cousins headed are off to Normandy for two days and Yuri is currently on her way back to the US, so I've got plenty of time to rest up before the English invasion next weekend!!

I'm telling ya, July is turning out to be one fabulous month.

It's really strange - I'm having more and more of a hard time blogging lately. I guess it's because I started my blog as an outlet, as a way to let things out since I essentially had no friends nearby and spent my days alone. (Yes, I realize how sad that is). But now that I'm surrounded by people, I no longer need my blog to fill that purpose. Instead, I just feel like I'm repeating myself, since most of what I write has already been told to at least one of my readers.

But either way, I'm not ready to give up on blogging yet, I imagine this is just a phase. And without my blog, I never would've met all of these great people, including most recently the fabulous JennC. We had lunch at L'Oisive Thé Wednesday (seriously people, check it out if you're ever in Paris, the salads are delish!), and I had an absolutely lovely time chatting to Jenn, Alice & Aimee...though I think I got my fill of pregnancy talk for the next ten years, lol.

I really am so lucky though to be able to live this kind of life, as temporary as it may be. My days are filled with lunches, meetings at cafés, trips to the cinema, museum visits. I've only got about ten days of kid-watching left, and then I'll be home-free for the rest of the summer. Between outings and friends visiting, my schedule is jam-packed for the rest of the month. Plans are slowly starting to form for August. Life is good.

If anyone is in Paris on Monday, you should make your way on over to the K&K Bastille Day picnic - it's bound to be a great time! Bastille Day is my favorite French holiday, so I can't wait to see what it's like here in la capitale !