All Shook Up

And not in a good way.

C woke up yesterday feeling a little under the weather, and as the day went on, his symptoms worsened. Our hotel room has a gigantic bathtub, so he took bath and felt a little bit better.  The yucky feeling came back later on though, and so we decided to go sit in the hotel's hot tub.  After a few minutes, he mentioned he wasn't feeling well and so we got out.

As we were exiting the pool area, he sort of stumbled and caught himself on the door. I asked him if everything was alright and he wouldn't answer.  I kept insisting and then he said "I can't see anything" in French.  And then he passed out and fell on the floor.  Have you ever seen a 6'4" man go down?  It's pretty frickin' scary.

Luckily a bunch of military personnel had just arrived at the hotel and an EMT came racing over straight away. He was out cold and we both sat there doing our best to wake him up. I heard someone shout out "Call 9-1-1!"

Those few seconds? Minutes? that C wasn't responding - It was like a lifetime passing before my eyes. I imagined the most horrible of things, and felt my heart starting to break all over again. But then he finally came around. I started to feel hopeful, but he had a really glassy look and couldn't speak for a few seconds and I got even more scared. You could see he was looking at us and was very confused and disorientated.

But then all of a sudden he was back and awake and able to sit up, which was when the paramedics arrived, racing in with a stretcher. C tried to refuse their assistance (as he refused my suggestion of getting travel insurance), but they said they were required by law to check him out.  So out came the oxygen and the heart monitors.

After running several different tests, he was deemed okay, though he did have slightly low oxygen levels and slightly high blood sugar. The paramedics got the okay from the doctor they worked with and went on their merry way. Funnily enough, one of them was the husband of The Company's vet - which means that everyone and their dog will be au courant by the time I go into work on Monday.  But oh well, that's small town Minnesota for ya.

We went back to our room, and I just sat there, on the couch, with so much adrenalin running through my veins. So relieved he was okay.  But also scared. Scared of loving someone that much and scared at the thought something could ever happen to him. Scared at the idea of having to live without him. Scared of another broken heart.

I think that for a long time, I sort of kept C at arm's length because I was worried about getting hurt again.  And now I have let him in, and it's suddenly hit me that this means it could happen all over again. Not on purpose, but a freak accident, a disease, whatever.  Of course it's highly possible that we could both live happily ever after until the ripe old age of 90.  But thinking about the idea of "What If" scares the frickin' bejeezus out of me....

Several friends of mine have gone through breakups lately, and all of that has gotten me thinking about relationships. It's funny, because a few months after C & I started dating, I remember talking to a friend about my reservations about C. She told me that it took her a full year to really be sure she wanted to be with the man who is now her husband. At the time, I remember thinking "Wow, a whole year? How do you stay with someone for that long if you're not sure? Can I do that?"

When I look back on that time now, I see that I was focusing on the small annoying things C did because I was scared. Scared of getting involved with someone again, scared of investing myself and scared of getting hurt. I was using any little excuse as a reason not to get close to C. I would avoid talking about any kind of event more than month or two in advance.

I know that a lot of my issues are left-over from what happened with Fab. I also know that C is a different person, and I've done my best not to project those onto my relationship with him. But those subconscious fears still manifest themselves at times, usually after we have an especially wonderful day together. It's pretty much a given that that night, I will have a nightmare in which he cheats on me and I wake up with tears in my eyes, feeling like my heart is breaking all over again. Like my brain is telling me "Watch out, don't get too close". And I feel bad for C, because I don't want him to think that I don't trust him. I do. And I believe him when he says he won't cheat on me. But Fab also said that, and I believe 100% that he meant what he was saying.

Until the day he didn't mean it anymore. And that's what scares me.

But as time goes on, I still had a little twinge of "FLEE" when C mentioned an event that would be happening in October, but mostly it's reassuring that he is able to project us that far in the future.

And for the first time, I feel I have a real partnership with someone. Our relationship is so equal, something that still surprises me after all those years of living in Bretagne and watching those poor Bretonnes do all the cooking, cleaning & child-rearing. It was one of the main issues I had with living there and also one of the reasons I never wanted kids - that was just not the kind of life I wanted. I fully support women who choose to do that, but it riles me up when that choice is imposed.

I don't know where this post is going, but I'm just trying to put down on paper what I've been trying to sort through these past few weeks. What I do know is that when I try to picture my life without C, it's hard. When I travel for work, I feel like part of me is missing. And when I think of myself back in my little shoebox, it seems like eons ago.

This post is for all the ladies out there - what's your take on heart-shaped jewelry? Do you love it? Hate it? Just find it cheesy?

I myself am somewhere between hating it and finding it incredibly cheesy. I don't remember what TV show we were watching the other night (maybe The Office??), but one of the main female characters said something about how all women secretly hate heart-shaped jewelry. And I was like "Amen Sistah!"

C turned to me in surprise and said "What??", and I was like "I'm pretty sure most women can't stand heart-shaped jewelry, but that they wear it because men keep giving it as a present. Damn jewelry stores & their OTT marketing campaigns". And then he got all red and was quiet for a bit....and now I'm wondering if that's not what he got me (or was planning on getting me) for my upcoming birthday.

OOPS.

But that got me thinking - how would I react if he gave me something heart-shaped? Fab gave me a heart-shaped watch when he moved back to France and I promptly turned around and returned it for one I liked better. He was a bit hurt at the time, and I realize now I probably should've just sucked it up and worn it. But now it's ten years down the road- have I changed? Would I wear it if C gave it to me? I'm still not sure. He's into very simple things, so I guess there isn't much chance of him buying something super ostentatious or in-your-face. But either way, given my recent gaffe, I guess I'll probably never know!

Boys sure do take up a lot of time. Despite all the worrying I did about being single and living alone after first moving to Paris, I actually got used to it, and even grew to like it. So I'm still getting used to having to share my time again, and to having to consult with someone else before planning something. Though part of me is happy I have 'a someone else' to consult with. (The other part of me sort of misses just vegging on the couch in comfy pajamas).

Other than that though, there's not much to note. I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, but I have decided to make an effort to travel more this year. I took more trips through Europe when I lived in the US than I have since living in France. I guess you just get into that mindset of "it'll always be there, I can go next year". Well, next year has finally arrived.

And C, being a fonctionnaire, gets a crazy amount of vacation. He's already asked for one week off in February and one week off in March. So now we are in the process of discussing what to do and where to go. I alternate between moments of panic, where I freak out about things like purchasing tickets and reserving hotels THAT FAR AHEAD!, and other moments of calm, where I feel reassured because he is wanting to do this too. Sometimes all the ups and downs tire me, and I think to myself "Just get over it already". But I guess it's all just part of the process.

I'm traveling again for work this week, and have had about 2 hours of driving to do each night - which means I've spent a lot of time listening to the radio. I normally enjoy it - in fact, FYI - I'm usually the crazy person you see singing along with the music at the stoplight.

But these days, it seems like instead of playing music, the latest radio fad is to have the host call up your spouse/partner and pretend to be someone else to find out if they're cheating. On some stations, they'll pretend to get the wrong number and then flirt with the person and ask them out to see if they accept. On others, they'll pretend to be a flower shop and ask who they'd like to send the free flowers to. Most of the callers are women suspicious of their boyfriends/husbands, and I'm sorry to say that pretty much 9 times out 10, the guy is cheating. I guess the moral of the story is trust your gut ladies - if something seems off, it probably is.

If you want to listen to an example, click here, then scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on "Défi téléphonique - Les roses". Today's episode involved a woman finding out that her boyfriend of over a year was leading a double-life and had secretly been dating another woman for the past 8-9 months (the other woman was also being fooled) - Though I don't think it will be posted until tomorrow.

I don't know, I find it all so depressing. Here I am, in a still-fairly-new relationship, and it's really disheartening to realize just how many "normal" people out there are cheating. I don't think it's something that's specific to France, but I definitely do think it's more accepted here.

Up until now, I think I've done a pretty good job of not projecting my Fab-related trust issues on C, but man, when ya hear stuff like this day after day, it really makes it hard for a girl to think about getting seriously involved with someone again. And add to that a few recent break-up stories from friends + us being separated a lot due to my job and you've got one jumpy Ksam. Who should maybe be using her trigger-finger to change the radio station instead.

It's funny for me to think about how much my relationship with France has changed since moving to Paris. Even though I had an absolutely fabulous time in the US, by week three, I was starting to get an itch to come back. Me! Wanting to come back to France! Imagine that. I had to double check that hell had not frozen over during my absence. And the feeling was only cinched after watching Julie & Julia (IMO: the book is probably better than the movie). At $11 the movie ticket, it was a pretty expensive realization.

I'm very lucky though to have reconnected with several friends during my time there - I think after Fabrice and I broke up, I felt somewhat ashamed about the whole thing. Like I'd been thrown out like somebody's dirty laundry. Some of my friends from my "previous life" weren't even aware what had happened. So it was nice to catch up with them again and hear what they've been up to, especially my best friend from college.

There was something missing from my trip though - there were a few times when I'd get a twinge of "Gosh, this is so amazing - I wish I had someone to share this with". Like I was just bursting with love for what was happening at that very moment and I wanted to share that happiness with someone else.

But then on the other hand, I find myself letting the multiple emails from the bal de pompiers dude go unanswered.

I think it's still too soon. Or he's not the right one?

Maybe Paris is enough for me right now.

I am getting so tired of living out of a suitcase!! And I would say that I'll be happy to finally be back in France, but with the way my work schedule is looking for the next few months, the end is no where near in sight. Which is why I took advantage of The Company's luggage reimbursement offer and bought myself two fancy new suitcases, lol.

We left my dear grandmother's house yesterday, armed with left-overs (my favorite being the cookie salad) and made our way back up north. Except this time, we weren't heading towards C-town. You see, my mother got a new job a few months back and moved to the other side of the state. I'd been hoping she'd get a job near the Twin Cities (easy access to the airport, better shopping, etc), but no luck.

It's kind of unsettling to think we will no longer be going back there. I always loved coming home at Christmas - it was the only time I got to see all of my friends from high school. They are so funny and I'm really going to miss hanging out with them this year. It's also really weird to think about my dad being buried there. I would always stop by and visit at least once during my time home and it's sad to think that I won't be able to do that anymore. On a positive note though, I am very relieved not to have to face everybody else in town and all their questions, like "Oh, how's Fabrice doing?" or "How come the Frenchie didn't come with you this time?" And we now live a lot closer to the major ski stations in MN, so at least I'll be able to go skiing at least twice before heading back to France.

But I don't know - it's just strange. My home is no longer my home. Every time I come back to MN now, it will be to a city I don't know, where I know no one, with no family near by. I guess it just kind of takes away the meaning of "home"...

Doesn't give a girl much hope

I was talking to my mother last night, and she told me about how after church yesterday, the head of the Church Council asked everyone to stick around for a meeting. At which, they announced that one of the pastors had resigned. We've had two pastors, a husband and a wife team, for probably seven or eight years now. I never liked them very much personally (which I always felt guilty about - how can you not like a pastor??), but it never really mattered much since I only went there once or twice a year.

Anyways, they announced that the husband was resigning because he had had an affair, and that they were also getting a divorce. WTF? If even married pastors can't keep it in their pants, what hope do we have for the rest of the men out there? I mean, I know they are only human as well, but still, they are held to a higher standard. And with all the preaching they do, I think they should be. This guy has early-onset Parkinson's though, and my mom thinks he probably met someone at one of the support groups or something. They say it's not someone from our church, nor our town, but who knows. It's not like they're going to say "The adulteress is among us". One thing I learned though is that for as progressive as our church as, they have a zero-tolerance level for cheating - if a clergyman cheats, he is essentially ex-communicated and can no longer work as a pastor anywhere in the world. That really kind of surprised me, because they're normally so accepting of people from all religions, all walks of life, all orientations. But again, higher standard for the pastors.

I wonder what he's going to do now. I come from a really small town, where everyone knows everyone. He has two children, but I can't see him really being able to stick around, given everything that's happened. The funny thing is though, I can see his side of it too. Which was also my problem with Fab, and why I was never able to go around calling him a bastard. A coward who took the easy way out, yes, but a bastard, no. Here you've got these two guys who are under so much pressure and there are so many things changing at once, and all of the sudden you meet this girl who doesn't know you or your story. She's just separate from everything else and with her, you can forget all your worries for a while. I can see why would that would be attractive. But like someone wrote to me in an email recently, "just because a girl offers herself up, your man isn't obligated to take it". True dat, sistah.

I had a little bit of deja vu at the airport yesterday.  I got to my gate and

realized that I was at the exact same gate I flew out of went I went to live in

Finland back in 1999.  I remember it so clearly, because as I was sitting there,

thethought "This is the last time you are going to see one of your parents"

popped into my head.  Everything was just in slow motion after that, and I kept

telling myself that it was ridiculous, but I still turned around to take one last look

at my parents before boarding the plane.  That was indeed the last time I saw

my dad, he died unexpectedly not too long after.



I've had moments like that several times through out my life, where I just get

these kinds of flashes of what's going to happen, or premonitions if you will.

Usually it's when someone is going to die, but not always.  My grandma is the

same way.  But I've always been right on up til now.  I remember the very first

time I saw Fab - before we'd even met, before I knew he was French.  I saw him

across the room and out of nowhere, "That's the man you're going to marry"

flashed through my mind.  Now, I'm not a huge believer in love at first sight, but

to be honest, that thought was part of the reason I moved to France, and part of

the reason I stuck it out. I thought it was just meant to be.  So it kind of makes

me doubt myself now when "Paris is where you're supposed to be" keeps running

through my head.  But I'm just going to go with it for now - it's certainly a better

option than small-town Minnesota!