Totally Frenched Out

From the blogger formerly known as Samdebretagne

Monday, March 8, 2010

After shocks

One of the things I've tried really hard to do these past few months is not let what happened with Fab tarnish my relationship with C. I haven't taken the line of thinking that "All men are jerks", nor have I become all crazy jealous or suspicious or overly needy. At least on the conscious level. But my subconscious unfortunately sometimes decides otherwise.

C had to get up early yesterday AM to go to work, and I fell back asleep after he left. To a dream which involved him deciding to leave me and go back to his ex-girlfriend. Who, thanks to C's mom, now has a face in my dreams.

I'm pretty sure all of this was triggered by a comment that C's English host dad said this week. See, this past summer, C used his month of summer vacation to go volunteer on an organic farm in England (which I think is totally awesome, btw). And the family he stayed with just happened to be in Paris this past week, so we met up with them for dinner - despite their dislike of Americans. And the dad said something about how it was really nice to see C happy and dating someone new, because when he was in England, he was right in the middle of his "mourning period" for his ex-girlfriend. Which struck a chord with me because that wasn't very long before we started dating, and I guess I'd always been under the impression that he was completely over her by that point.

It also rears up when C's work organizes a pot and he stays after work to have a few drinks with his colleagues (many of them whom include fairly attractive females). Because Katell was Fab's co-worker, it immediately brings up uncomfortable memories. Luckily I am able to not freak out, and remind myself that it's two separate men, and two separate situations, but it frustrates me to no end that these feelings keep popping up.

And I think part of the reason I keep struggling with this is that Fab was such a nice, normal guy. All of his family and friends were so surprised when it happened, no one ever thought he'd cheat - let alone on me. So it's hard for me to be with another nice, normal guy and to really, truly, 100% believe him when he says I'm the only one for him.

Because I've heard that before too.

In many ways, it makes me sad to think about how despite my best efforts, it still has affected my relationship with C. I think about how because I was scared to let go, I missed out on those first few months of the relationship, where everything is fabulous and wonderful and it feels like you're flying. All unicorns and butterflies and all that jazz. Instead, I was practical and took it slow and didn't get too involved. But I'm watching a few friends go through that phase now, and it's so, so sweet. And I didn't let myself have that with C because I was worried about falling too fast and the possibility of getting hurt.

Sigh. I guess it's all part of the process though, non?



Blogger Global Librarian said...

Might not be a bad idea to visit with a counselor.

By the way, I am always astounded when people say things like "I don't like Americans" (or any other large group of people. Have they met them all? How can they possibly say that?

March 8, 2010 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger misschris said...

Sometimes I think you just have to take a leap of faith. It's a good mantra to keep the old relationship demons at bay :)

Congratulations on your citizenship btw!!

March 8, 2010 at 2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read a post from you a while back about how far you've come since being with Fab. You sound very strong and determined and I think these little niggles are perfectly normal given what happened. It is something that will time, but you'll get there.

A while ago I was given a card by a friend with the famous line "love like you've never been hurt" I think its good advice to follow.

March 8, 2010 at 5:50 PM  
Blogger Nikita said...

it IS hard to let yourself fall again after having been duped (i'm kind of at the same place right now)... but you can't let that past foolishness have an impact, and effectively ruin, your future happiness.

besides, love is about risks, no?

March 8, 2010 at 6:14 PM  
Blogger au soleil levant said...

Sam, you had the rug completely pulled out from under you after setting up a new life in a new country and being with someone for years. It was shocking, traumatic, and heartbreaking. No one can blame you for having these feelings! I think the amazing part is not that you have them but that you've been able to overcome them and move on as well as you have and not be crazy jealous and suspicious all the time. Clearly C thinks you are very special and that you were worth the waiting and being cautious at the beginning. Remember that - he could have decided that it wasn't worth the trouble, but he stuck around and wants to have a future with you. That tells you how wonderful he thinks you are. And since he's been hurt before too, I imagine that he is even more sincere than most guys. Focus on enjoying what you have with him now instead of being sad that it wasn't what it might have been at the beginning.

March 9, 2010 at 12:36 AM  
Blogger Texas Espresso said...

those little ripples of insecurity are totally normal. the great thing is that you recognize them and keep them in check. we are all affected by past hurts and experiences, i think it shows maturity by acknowledging and accepting that they are there and you don't want them to take control! and don't worry about that first falling in love flying feeling - i've been married almost 9 yrs and honestly, we are much more honeymoonish and like that NOW then we were back at the beginning of our marriage. :)

March 9, 2010 at 1:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly, I couldn't imagine living through what you did with Fab and I give you so much credit for sticking it out in France and growing so much. Like everyone said, it's normal to feel what you do, but also you are incredibly strong considering what happened, so don't forget how amazing you are for what you have been able to achieve. I believe that the best things in life are worth working towards or waiting for, so I think the trust issues will come over time. Have you told C how you feel? Not in a crazy "don't ever see a female again" way, but just that you are personally working through some stuff? Maybe it would help if he at least was informed?

And personally, I think the beginning of a relationship, while fun, is overrated. That deeper connection comes with time, and I much prefer something real over something new.

March 9, 2010 at 10:06 AM  
Blogger Animesh said...

Apprehensions are natural KSam. I remember how cautious I was after my last breakup, and that phase lasted for a loooong time (think 2.5 years).

About guys having good friends who happen to be female and attractive, all I can say is -- given you trust C for all other matters, give him your trust in this matter too. Trust me, while guys do have potential plans of asking out their cute friends, once they are in a relationship, they consciously give up on those plans [I know I did, many years ago :)].

And as far as the potential of being cheated again is concerned, that will always be there, no matter what you do. The phrase in italics is important here -- for it is truly NOT in your control.

And since it is not, I would just recommending enjoying the time you are spending with C :).

March 9, 2010 at 11:33 AM  
Blogger BebeJardin said...

Hi Ksam,

I just caught up on about 1 years worth of your posts and am so excited to see how lovely your life in Paris is turning out :)It's really inspiring to see you moving forward and opening your heart in new ways. Congrats on making fantastic lemonade outta those lemons... it really inspires me to keep moving forward with hope as well.

Emotional wounds are hard to let go of, but as long as you don't make decisions about C from those old places of hurt or fear, you're in the right place. Take each day at a time, live in the now with him, and this experience will always be a blessing.

March 9, 2010 at 9:13 PM  
Blogger Quantumhollapena said...

I still get angry when I think about my ex and how I let him treat me so poorly bc I was so blinded by my love for him. It continues to affect me and my relationship w/ Andrew on a daily basis. I have certainly noticed that it has changed the way I am now in this relationship, constantly trying to be in control and fighting for dominance so I feel like I am making the decisions and less likely to be hurt. Obviously I wouldn't be getting married if I truly believe he would cheat on me or treat me the way my ex did, but those feelings haven't gone away w/ me yet either. The best thing I can tell myself (and you) is that I wouldn't be where I am now w/ the most amazing person for me if I hadn't had the experiences (good and bad) that I did. When I think about it that way I am grateful to be where I am in life, even if I had to be hurt on the way.

March 10, 2010 at 10:17 PM  

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