Totally Frenched Out

From the blogger formerly known as Samdebretagne

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

One month mark

I can't believe it's been a month already. Sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday. There are definitely still times where I get pangs of longing, but when I think about it, they're more so for the loss of my life/future than they are for Fab. I still feel completely betrayed by what he did and how our relationship ended, but I guess that's normal. I hope he regrets this someday.

On the other hand though, I am excited about moving to Paris. I'm also nervous since I'm not 100% sure things are going to work out with the French family, but I just keep trying to remind myself that stuff always works out in the end, so there's no use stressing over it. Que sera, sera, right? But I think this is experience is going to be huge for me.

For one, I'm a serial dater. I've gone from one long-term relationship to another long-term relationship for probably the past 13 years. Second, I've never lived alone. And now I'm about to embark on a journey where I will do both. But I sort of feel like this is something that everyone should do once in their life. It will be good for me to learn to live with myself again. I need to find the old Samantha, the one who used to laugh a lot and have fun. I've spent so much time alone over these past few years that I feel like I've kind of lost myself (and some of my social skills in the process). So while I know that living in Paris won't always be a piece of cake, I do think it's the right step for me to take.

Every once in a while, I get these flashes of hope, like maybe my life is really just about to start. Like this was just a stepping stone to something bigger and better, and one day I will look back on this incredulously and wonder how I ever could've imagined spending my life on the farm. Either that, or fate will laugh in my face once again and make me fall in love with another farmer!



Blogger katiez said...

You're getting there, sweetie!
Those flashes of hope will start coming more often.
Life is full of beginnings - embrace them all!

April 30, 2008 at 4:55 PM  
Blogger misschris said...

Hopefully there won´t be any farmers in Paris to woo you. Stay aay from the agricultural fair next year! lol

I hope your new family is nice. I think fate brings people together for a reason so I feel like they will be either a comfort or some sort of stepping stone to something else.

April 30, 2008 at 5:05 PM  
Blogger La Belette Rouge said...

I have to say that seeing you making a lovely lemon tart out of the pile of lemons you got last month is inspiring. Really and truly you are really helping me with my own transition. yes, it will work out and we will be in a better place than we were before this. And, like you, I hope that all of this shake up is conspiring to get me to Paris.
Big hug to you Samantha. Congratulations on your progress and all you have overcome in a month. You should be so proud of yourself.

April 30, 2008 at 5:24 PM  
Blogger joy suzanne said...

So good to read this post! Good luck in Paris...

April 30, 2008 at 5:31 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Living on my own was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I hope it is for you too.

April 30, 2008 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger Alyssa said...

Wow. Reading this, I had a huge flash of recognition. I have never dated, but instead moved from one serious relationship to the next my whole life (3 total). You and I are the same age, so I know the feeling of being 28 and not ever having lived on your own.

When I married (at 23), I lived in my husband's country for the first three years. And the exact same thing happened--I lost myself, I became more and more isolated, and I forgot about the old me who used to take off at the drop of a hat, who had the guts to go for things, and who laughed all the way through the day. I was locked up in HIS life, locked up in his world and culture and the people he knew, his family etc....Being in a foreign country so young didn't help either. I had never been an adult in my own country, and learning to grow up in a foreign land was really hard.

The difference is that I perhaps did not love him enough to put up with all that forever (whereas it seems that you did in fact love Fab enough). I wanted the OLD me back, I didn't want this depressed, anxious, isolated person to rule my life anymore. I left and went to a strange city on my own. It was excruciatingly painful, and very scary; however, I cannot imagine my life now were it not for that one major change. I stayed in the city for 6 months and then moved, but I did not return to my husband's country. Though we did make it as a couple (with him following me home after those 6 months), the balance shifted because of these huge changes.

Although your change was in a way forced on you, I am certain that it will be as beneficial for you as it was for me. You need this time on your own, it is a precious moment that will most likely be very brief. Take full advanatge of it and use this time to know yourself better. That will ensure that you will be ready for the right person when love finds you again.

I remember that time very vividly (3 years ago now), and so I know exactly the mix of pain, apprehension, and excitement that you are feeling right now. Hang in there Sam.

April 30, 2008 at 7:24 PM  
Blogger Perfume & Tea Make Me Happy said...

I agree- I think everyone should live alone at some point. I loved it, actually! When the phone rings, it's for you. Those dirty dishes in the sink? Yours! Feeling like staying up all night reading magazines with all the lights on? Yes! You can! And living alone in Paris? Totally, fully, amazingly cool. Best of luck to you. ;)
-nikki c

April 30, 2008 at 7:29 PM  
Blogger judyb said...

Reading these comments made me smile. I have lived on my own for most of my adult life; so much so, in fact, that i have told Andy i might need to get my own place after we're married :D

Good luck; you have so much support that even when you fail it won't matter that much.

And by 'when you fail' i mean those moments we all have where for a second it seems like maybe we shouldn't have done something the way we did.

April 30, 2008 at 10:35 PM  
Blogger L said...

Join AVF in Paris! Okay, it's just that I'm a huge fan of it in Toulouse. But seriously, it's the first place where I've met lots of French people who are really open and easy to talk to and are interested in getting to know me. But that's the whole point of the association, so you'd hope the members would be open to making friends. I've been practicing my social skills since most of the time we spend time with people B knows.

May 1, 2008 at 12:30 AM  
Blogger Texas Espresso said...

honestly sam, it will be good for you to live by yourself or at least be on your own for awhile. there is nothing quite like the feeling you have knowing you can do it by yourself. it is liberating! and I really think helps you mature, learn about yourself and become the woman you want to be. which makes the next relationship all the better. its very exciting!

May 1, 2008 at 2:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tell you, I'm excited for your new beginnings. It's such a positive and exciting thing to be happening, even if it started out for less than happy reasons. But you really seem to have changed for the better since leaving Bretagne and being freed from that can read it in your are optimistic about the future and you can do what you want, there are so many more choices open to you now.

May 1, 2008 at 8:26 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

From everything I know about you, you have everything it takes to have an amazing time in Paris, no matter what the family decides.

It's hard for me to believe it's been a month, too -- but it's so good to see you writing posts like this.

May 1, 2008 at 8:32 AM  
Blogger poppy fields said...

You're going to have a blast in Paris this summer.

May 1, 2008 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger The Late Bloomer said...

Yes, a post full of lots of positives and enthusiasm about the future! I, like so many others here, am sure you're going to have an excellent time in Paris and make the best of this time you have to yourself. Enjoy all your freedom!

May 2, 2008 at 3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-- Emily Dickinson


May 3, 2008 at 1:00 AM  
Blogger Katia said...

I'm so excited for you.

But losing your sense of self can happen anywhere. I was heading in that direction, living in the 'burbs of Paris, working in the heart of the city - but I was surrounded by French every day, didn't know any anglos, and was just struggling to be ME.

Then I realised that I was going down a path that I wasn't comfortable with, and took a good hard look at myself - then I decide to just jump out of the window into a world that I'm so happy to be in now :) It's full of French, full of English and everything in between. You'll get there too, hon, and you'll find yourself again :)

May 6, 2008 at 4:01 PM  

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