Balance Ton Porc

Last week, I had the pleasure of catching up with a dear, dear friend who was back in town.  Over drinks and nibblies, she expressed surprise at having forgotten about the overt cat-calling that goes on in Paris.  Many times, she'd just been sitting at a café, minding her own business, only to be interrupted by one or more men.  We laughed about the sheer balls of these men, and then I started regaling them with the"return of the gym bise-r", whom I had not seen for a few months.  

At the end of my story however, she reframed it in a way that I had never thought of before.  She pointed out that there was a guy who was repeatedly making me uncomfortable on a weekly basis, so much so that I had actually changed my work-out schedule to avoid him, instead of confronting him, or bringing it up to management.  What really got me though is when she brought up that I might not be the only one dealing with this guy.  What if he was doing this to a different woman every day, and we were all collectively just de-dramatizing it or not wanting to make a fuss?  I mean, that's the message that we keep hearing over and over again on the news - that the women thought they were the only one or that they were somehow responsible in some way, so they didn't speak up.

This whole conversation has occupied my thoughts quite a bit lately, especially as for the past few weeks I had been saying that I had been 'lucky' enough to not have my own #MeToo story to share. I mean sure, I run into enormous amounts of sexism in my line of work, but not sexual harassment.  But now I'm thinking about all the subtle ways that I modify my behavior to avoid being in those kinds of situations.  I take self-defense classes.  I don't go to certain neighborhoods at night. I pay attention to what I wear when I go out without C. I cross the street if I see an aggressive-looking man walking towards me. I enter the most-populated metro cars at night.  I take an uber so that someone will be able to trace me if I disappear.   I've come to realize that these are all things that I've been doing unconsciously - it's only now after discussion that I realize that no, it's not normal that women have to do these sorts of things on a daily basis.

On the flip side, I heard a really good counter-argument to the "women are asking for it by how the dress/look/act" line.  If someone's home gets robbed, you would never say to them "Well, you were really asking for it by having such a nice house.  I mean, with your lawn trimmed so nicely and all those flowers and fancy decorations - you really can't blame someone for breaking in".  Or "Well what did you expect having such a nice car?  Leather seats, all the options, fancy rims....your car was just begging to be stolen".   And therein lies the irony - we would never say that to someone about their things, but yet many people wouldn't think twice about making such statements about a woman's body.

Not that I have any magical solutions.  But maybe my girlfriend was right in that it starts with each one of us calling out the small incidents we see around us, instead of sweeping them under the rug, making a joke about it, or somehow thinking it was our fault.

To Bise or not To Bise - that is the question

I've got this kind of funny situation going on at the gym. You see, working out does not become me, and I don't stay fresh like those perky girls in designer clothes and perfect hair.  I'm also still self-conscious about my accent, and I don't like people knowing I'm a foreigner if I can help it. So I do my best to stay anonymous, both when entering/exiting my building and at the gym. That's worked out pretty well for me for the past few years - I go in, do my thing, and then go home.

However, this summer, a sort of 'gang' has formed, made of people who do basically the same classes I do everyday, an alternation of spinning, weight-lifting and cardio. I usually smile and say Hi and Bye to these people, but haven't made any effort to actually go beyond that.

One day though, the instructor was way late and everyone was hard-core complaining, but in true French style, not doing a thing about it, so I thought "I'm just going to go to the front desk and ask - no sense in us all waiting around if she's never going to show up".  So I asked and then came back and told the whole group that we just needed to wait a bit longer.  The next day, everyone in the 'group' came up to bise me, and I thought - "Oh no, now it begins. I'm going to have bise these people every single class for as long as I stay at this gym. Darn it."  Long-time readers will remember my dislike for the bise, and will understand my internal hissy fit.  I mean, I don't like bise-ing people in the first place, let alone when I'm sweaty and red-faced and just trying to squeeze a workout in over my lunch break.

The following day, I got held up with work so I came just right before class started, and everyone was already on their bike, so I just waved and said "Bonjour" and hopped on mine, and luckily there have been no more bise-ing incidents since, and I'm back to just Hi-ing and Bye-ing them.

Until last week.

I was setting up my stuff in the weight-lifting class, and this random guy comes over, says "Ca va?" and leans in for the bise. I was lost in my thoughts, so he caught me off-guard and I totally stole a scene from the Matrix and did this:

He righted himself very quickly and turned back to his weights, and we both pretended it had never happened.  And I figured "Okay, he must have mistaken me for someone else".

But then it happened again yesterday!  My normal spot was full, so I set up on the other side of the room. When he came in, he looked for me, and then came over to say "Hey, you're not at your usual spot?" and then tried to bise me again!  I still have no clue who this guy is, so I avoided him a second time by bending down to add weights to my bar and said "Yep, well my spot was taken...".  I'm so perplexed by the whole thing - could he really still think I'm someone else?  Or does he somehow think we're gym buddies*?  I mean, I guess now that I think about it, he probably has been setting up his matos next to me for quite some time now.  But we've never even spoken before. Or is that French-guy game and he's just trying to hit on me? 

(*I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy, but he really doesn't seem like someone I would click with...he reminds me a bit of that kid in middle school who is always trying just a bit too hard).

It almost makes me glad that I'll probably end up going to Russia next week, just so I can put off dealing with it for another seven days. :D