Totally Frenched Out

From the blogger formerly known as Samdebretagne

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Why I will never date a Monop livreur

The scene: A bourgeois apartment in the 5th. The two young children are sleeping soundly in their beds and their super-nounou is reading Le Figaro and waiting (im)patiently for the parents to come home. All of the sudden, she hears a knock at the door and thinks "Now who can that be?"

Monoprix Delivery Dude: Hi, I have a delivery for Mme X
Super-nounou: Okay, I'll take it
MDD: Do you have money for the payment?
SNN: Oh, it's not paid for? Nope, sorry, they didn't leave me anything.
MDD: Will they be back soon?
SNN: Hopefully in a half an hour.
MDD: )àç&"é'! It's my last delivery of the night and I just want to get home. I've been working since 10am.
SNN: Silence (Why is he racont-ing me his vie??)
MDD: Fine, I'll just wait for them to come back.
SNN: (waits for him to go back down to his truck so she can close the door)
MDD: (waits for SNN to invite him in)
SNN: (no way in hell is this guy coming in here, Mme X would kill me. or hell, maybe he might kill me)

*akward stand off ensues for a few minutes*

MDD: So....are you a student?
SNN: Nope.
MDD: So you watch the kids full-time then?
SNN: No, I also have another job.
(mindless small talk for about ten minutes and then comes THE question SNN had been desperately trying to avoid)
MDD: So...are you single?
SNN: (makes the fatal error of saying Yes)
MDD: What are you doing later on tonight?
SNN: Sorry, I've got plans.
MDD: And after?
SNN: Nah, I'm not interested.
MDD: Why not?
SNN: Cuz I just got out of a long term relationship and I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
MDD: But you do go out with guys?
SNN: I go on dates every once in a while, yeah.
MDD: But nothing serious?
SNN: No.
MDD: Why?
SNN: I told you, I'm happy with my life and I don't really feel the need to have a man right now. I'm taking care of myself, I don't have to cook or clean for anyone but me....(why I am even justifying myself to this guy?)
MDD: But what about your sex life?
SNN: ??????
MDD: You do sleep with the guys you go out with, right?
SNN: Umm.....no
MDD: What? When was the last time you had sex??
SNN: (Why do I keep answering his questions?? Why am I not telling him to fuck off and then slamming the door in his face?)
MDD: Non, you can't be serious? That's not healthy!!
SNN: I don't know, I'm feeling pretty fine.
MDD: No, I'm telling you, it's not good for your body. I could never do that. You should really remedy this (*leaning in*)
SNN: Uh.....thanks but no thanks.
MDD: Are you free tomorrow night? Maybe we could go out?
SNN: Um, nope, gotta watch the small childrens tomorrow night too. (picks up the phone and tries to call the mom for the millionth time - where on Earth is that woman??)
MDD: What about this weekend? It doesn't have to be a serious relationship, just sexual.
SNN: (DUDE - just give up!) Nope, busy this weekend too.

Enter Mme X, who comes running up the stairs and looks back and forth from MDD and SNN. "SNN, can you wait a sec while I run and get my checkbook?"

But SNN was already long gone.....

Labels:

17 Comments:

Blogger misplaced texan said...

Haha. That's HYSTERICAL! I was wondering, too, why you kept answering his questions (and so honestly, at that)!! It reminds me of a post I just read on Ask a Frenchman's blog about how French men take "no" from a woman to mean "let's see" or "keep trying."
http://askafrenchman.blogspot.com/

September 17, 2008 at 12:05 AM  
Blogger Maddy said...

What I creep! But I love how you told the story!

September 17, 2008 at 1:40 AM  
Blogger eastcoastsnob said...

OMD! this was funny! I have to ask, was he even cute? decent?

And have you ever seen While You Were Sleeping? There is a scene in there where this guy asks Sandra Bullock's character if Bill Pullman's character is bothering her because he could see he was "leaning". I replaced you in that scene, but of course there was no one to intervene.

September 17, 2008 at 5:32 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Very funny. If you did go out with him after a conversation like that, you know there would be only one thing on his mind. And he would expect it too if you went out with him.

September 17, 2008 at 6:20 AM  
Blogger Justin said...

Ha! I certainly hope the reason I am not dating here is because I don't act like that, and could never be that forward. Next time just say, "I don't date Monoprix delivery men!" Well, the problem is you are too beautiful... that always turns men in to stupid idiots. ;-)

September 17, 2008 at 7:26 AM  
Blogger Ksam said...

Sarah, I don't know why I kept answering his questions, I just couldn't stop myself - it was like watching a train wreck from afar! And thanks for the link, that was really funny (and so true).

Laura - nope, he was mega seedy - one of those guys that has leering eyes.

Justin - thanks, that's really sweet! (but somehow I don't think that's the problem here, lol)

September 17, 2008 at 9:18 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

Man oh man, you got some suitors over there in Paree, lady!

September 17, 2008 at 1:14 PM  
Blogger Alisa said...

haha gross. i hate it how so many french men are far too forward and for some reason cannot take 'no' as an answer!

September 17, 2008 at 4:30 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

What's weird is there in France it's funny here in the US he would be fired, sued and then put in jail. HHmmm

September 17, 2008 at 4:35 PM  
Blogger Our Juicy Life said...

that my friend was brillant.

September 17, 2008 at 6:41 PM  
Blogger GL'sD said...

Well, I think I know why you answered his questions. For the same reason when you pickup the phone and its a wrong number, you offer to look up the number in the phone book so that you can help. We call it Minnesota Nice. Paris is NOT Minnesota, knock it off.

September 17, 2008 at 7:58 PM  
Blogger anna vendla said...

haha hilarious!!! why didn't you tell me this great story when i was talking going on about boring crap..?!

now, serieux...what did he look like?

September 17, 2008 at 10:44 PM  
Blogger Fned said...

That's why use Telemarket instead! LOL

Fned.

September 18, 2008 at 7:00 AM  
Blogger David said...

LOL...

Why on earth did you tell him that you date people but nothing serious???

Do you know what that means in a French person's mind?

September 18, 2008 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

ùI would have said "sorry, my french isn't so good, I can't understand you"...best way to get out of awkward french situations is to lament lack of linguistic skills (even if it's a complete lie :)

September 18, 2008 at 8:48 PM  
Blogger Leesa said...

That's HILARIOUS, Sam!!!! Was he CUTE??!!!! ; )
Just kidding, totally... well, was he?!! He, he.... Couldn't resist!! Oh.. and I absolutely loved his... "get you into the sack" tactics... I don't know how you were so polite to him but I can understand that you had to be slightly civil to the idiot!! What a dork---- Seems like HE'S the one who hasn't gotten any for a long time!! He probably gets rejected a lot, too!!!

September 19, 2008 at 11:53 AM  
Blogger Ciel de Paris said...

So he wasn't cute. Bummer. :-P I have SO been in that situation on several occcasions and for the life of me, I don't know WHY I kept answering their questions. I mean, when you say, "I'm not interested," that's pretty much it, but they don't give up and you get sucked into this vortex of awkward creepiness. I guess they figure if they keep you talking, they'll eventually hook you. Gotta love the Frenchies though. :-)

September 21, 2008 at 9:15 PM  

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