Totally Frenched Out

From the blogger formerly known as Samdebretagne

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Elimidate

One of the weirdest things about being single again is having to start checking out guys again. This might seem strange to some of you, but when I'm in a relationship, I pretty much stop looking at other men. At least in that way. If I'm with someone, I'm with them 100%. Maybe that explains why I never saw any attractive men in Bretagne.......or maybe it's just Bretagne, LOL.

But so it's really strange now to have to start thinking about both attracting and being attracted to someone else. Certain people *ahem, you know who you are* have been trying to set me up on blind dates, and I'm just not feeling it. While I'm enjoying looking at all the yummy Parisian men, I've never done the whole dating thing - I've always just met a guy and then gone out with him for the next (fill in the blank) number of years. So the idea of meeting people and then maybe or maybe not going on a second (or third or fourth) date is a new concept for me, and it's kind of scary, all the what-ifs. What if I don't like him? I don't know how to do casual dating. Or even worse, what if he doesn't like me? I can't take any more rejection. What if I suck at flirting? I'm really out of practice and feeling rusty. What if I meet someone and it gets to that point? I can't let anyone see me naked with all these extra kilos. Or even worse, what if I give my heart to someone and just get it broken all over again? Do I really want to take that risk?


I think the moral of this story is I'm just not read for this whole dating thing yet. (Even if it would be nice to have someone in my bed at night.)

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18 Comments:

Blogger Susan said...

Well then France should be a good place for you! I can't tell you how many French people (mainly men) have told me that they don't understand "American dating". My Frenchman tells me "We don't date in France. We just see each other and if we like it, then we see each other again." Another one I hear is; "Americans have too many rules for dating." Not sure what that means other than that awful book...but maybe you won't have that weird 1st/2nd date thing, maybe it will just happen. Like a good suntan; kind of warm and healthy feeling. Sending you good thoughts and vibes from Lille...

June 21, 2008 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

I'm the same way when I'm in a relationship - I just don't consider others.

I think it would be silly to worry about your next relationship now. You've spent a number of years where your 'self' was at least partially and not insignificantly defined as one half of a particular couple. The time between now and your next potential relationship is useful for looking over how you see yourself and making sure you're not carrying any outdated notions about who you are.

That said, I think it's nice to socialize with single men when I'm single, though I guess I've only ever been on one 'date' (a blind one, though sadly it was not me who was 'blind'.) It didn't click and I was interrupted by a convenient emergency from another friend.

I think the idea of setting up a 'date' makes everything crazy. Inviting two potential people to a small dinner party/outing and introducing them, however, is very workable.

June 21, 2008 at 1:56 PM  
Blogger Starman said...

But isn't that what dating is all about? I mean, finding out if you like someone well enough to see them again?

June 21, 2008 at 2:19 PM  
Blogger Le Tigre in France said...

Yeah I wouldn't rush into anything if I were you..you just came out of a very lengthy relationship that ended in a more than painful way so it's probably good for you to set yourself up and be totally independent, that's not to say flirting isn't a fun and harmless thing to do!

When it's the right time things will just happen for you...

June 21, 2008 at 4:49 PM  
Blogger parisiannewyorker said...

Haha! @ Susan - agree totally! My husband is always asking me "Qu'est ce que c'est, un "date"?" He obviously still hasn't quite grasped the concept since he asks me this question every few months.

Yes, it is scary to "date" but then again, I think when you meet someone, it usually just happens - no need to worry in advance! Plus, I've noticed that it's always when you are seriously not looking that you end up meeting people - but if you are sorta kinda looking, you never meet anyone.

Just go with the flow...everything will work itself out.

June 21, 2008 at 5:10 PM  
Blogger purejuice said...

some of the best advice i ever got, post breakup, was, date three people simultaneously for three months and don't sleep with any of them for three months. this is the cure, i assure you.

June 21, 2008 at 5:22 PM  
Blogger Doc said...

Darlin, invest in Duracel. That's all I got to say.

June 21, 2008 at 5:37 PM  
Blogger Leah said...

It's just Bretagne, trust me...

June 21, 2008 at 5:39 PM  
Blogger Leah said...

Bretagne, France...hottie-free since 1523

or is it 1532? I never remember when Bretagne first came to be, it'd be better if it rhymed though...

June 21, 2008 at 5:41 PM  
Blogger Leesa said...

Great feedback from the crowd... I agree with everyone! I think if someone comes along and you both "click" you will know it and go from there... But, it DOES always seem like when your not looking, someone arrives.. Hmmm... You will know when the time is right.. Enjoy yourself now.. you can always brush up on what you feel is rusty... And it really does just take time.. I remember thinking all the same things and asking all the same questions to myself.. And lastly... There's no hurry.. You're in Paris now.. Let the single men fling themselves on you.. ; ) Let them do the work to win you over... Have a great first day of summer.. Such a gorgeous day outside... Leesa : )

June 21, 2008 at 6:24 PM  
Blogger Expat Traveler said...

I think you are getting good advise from everyone, as I can't give you European perspective, but...

On dates: Have fun no matter what you do. The more you go out on dates or start talking to men, the easier it will be. I was so scared when I got back into the dating scene and found that when I went out with my girlfriend and found things to speak about like work, and the mobile phone and travels and which great restaurants or places to see, it got waaaay easier..

Plus what do you have to loose? And really if you were meeting men, what are the chances of meeting them again if it doesn't work?

Hang in there, and just enjoy yourself doing the things you love to do already!

June 21, 2008 at 9:45 PM  
Blogger MISS YURI said...

sam, the kind of friendly you are is way better than any flirting technique you could learn. but i kind of have to call bs on your claim you don't heck dudes out--cause you were totally drooling over hot great-with-children teacher!!!

June 22, 2008 at 2:26 AM  
Blogger Samantha said...

oooh, i totally forgot about him!! but everyone on the trip (from the 12 yr old girls right on up to the chaperones) was totally crushing on him.

June 22, 2008 at 4:22 AM  
Blogger katiez said...

Just relax and enjoy yourself.... Have fun! The rest just happens when it's supposed to. Worrying and thinking does nothing but keep you awake nights!
I never really dated.... but I sure had fun....

June 22, 2008 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger The Bold Soul said...

OK, first thing to do is BREATHE. Secondly... listen, I went more than TEN LONG YEARS between my last relationship (and subsequent last post-relationship one-nighter with someone I met on Cape Cod) and last year when I arrived in France and finally felt ready to at least attempt dating again. So I understand your anxiety especially about flirting and the inevitable "what do I do when it's time to get naked again?"

I'm not a serial dater, either; never have been. Having said that, about 15 years ago I did go through a run of lots of first/blind dates because I signed up with a non-Internet matchmaking service. Actually it was kind of fun and definitely an interesting experience, but I did have to be in the right frame of mind to do it.

And when you meet someone you can really trust, like and love? The other stuff (flirting, clothing-optional, etc.) will just disappear as a worry. Seriously, I am right now weighing the most I have EVER weighed while in a relationship (although nearly 30 lbs lighter than I was two years ago) and Georges completely adores me. ALL of me.

So relax about it and let your heart (and libido) be your guide. If you meet someone you are just attracted to and you don't want it to go any further, then do what feels right (and be safe about it). Not every encounter has to lead to something serious. And when the time is right, you'll meet that someone very special, you won't question it, and it will just go smoothly. In the meantime, just have fun living your new life.

June 22, 2008 at 4:31 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

like you sam, I was forced to be single again and it was very hard to change my way of thinking. but with time you will get there. I still have my days when I am tired of it all but confident with time I will meet the right person and it will be easy... I have the same confidence in you too. just be patient and enjoy life for now.

June 23, 2008 at 4:17 PM  
Blogger The Big Finn said...

Mrs. TBF and I began dating in 1984, and we married in 1987 - and I've ALWAYS looked! Remember, it's OK to look at the menu...

...as long as you go home for dinner!

June 24, 2008 at 1:35 PM  
Blogger Ginger said...

You are exactly like me. I only once briefly did the "dating" thang. It was complicated keeping my head, my heart on several guys !

Funny, with my current situation (with a gorgeous Breton, thank you ! Yes ! There are some out there ! Well, in Brest maybe ... *euh*) it is as the "other" times: the man wishing to possess the woman. You know, laying claim and all that ?
Jordane is totally tuned in an constantly in touch, the courting bit ... the whole shebang (sp?)

Hey, just chill and be yourself. Forget about worrying, just be charmante and happy. I think that a genuine, happy smile and demeanor is the most attractive thing about any person - regardless of culture.

In general, I don't like dating. I find it very stressfull ! I like to be with someone I like and just "be". If it grows, it grows. If not, no biggee.

I envy you ! Bretagne's loss is Paris' gain ! *bisous*

June 24, 2008 at 4:58 PM  

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